Holidays with family and friends can be a beautiful time of togetherness. I am looking forward to spending time with my extended family this year. Gathering together can also be a time when grief bubbles up. Some of my clients and I will be celebrating our first holiday season without spouses. Other clients and friends are celebrating the holidays with job concerns, difficult relationships, illness, and continued mourning over a death.
Whether you will be surrounded by family or not this year, I invite you to take a page from Japanese culture. I am planning a return visit there next month after many years away. There are traditions and cultural norms that have stayed with me and are now a part of my life and my coaching. You may have heard of “kintsugi,” the Japanese art of putting broken pottery pieces back together with gold. The idea is that nothing in life is perfect. Families are messy—filled with quirks, misunderstandings, and past grievances. Things we love inevitably break. Some seasons are full of solitude. By embracing what we perceive as brokenness and not trying to hide it, kintsugi says we can create an even stronger, more beautiful piece of art. This is how we can find meaning, even in grief, and joy in our imperfect bonds.
Kintsugi, which translates to “golden joinery,” teaches that brokenness is not the end of a story but an opportunity for transformation. This philosophy has inspired me to embrace imperfection, hold my own grief gently, and treasure the golden moments that emerge and join me with the rest of humanity.
The Beauty in Imperfect Gatherings
Holiday celebrations rarely unfold perfectly. There might be burnt pies, awkward silences, debates over long-standing family traditions, even fractures over politics. These moments, while imperfect, are the glue that binds us. They are the cracks filled with gold—unique, authentic, and beautiful in their own way.
For those grieving the loss of a loved one, the holidays can carry an additional weight. The absence of that special person—their voice, their laugh, their presence—can feel like a deep crack in what should be a joyful time. Kintsugi reminds us not to hide that crack, but to honor it. Our grief, though painful, becomes a part of the story we carry forward, shining like gold in the seams of our lives. One client worries that her profound grief from the loss of her child will be a damper to her family gatherings. While others have “moved on,” this client will always have a hole in her heart. Another’s husband died very recently. She is facing an empty seat at the table and the loss of holiday traditions. A successful business executive is “broken” by his work and wants out but is unsettled about his future. These cases reflect the need for support and guidance through coaching to verbalize feelings in a safe place, discover what is really important to you, and process the past while considering changes ahead. Focusing on exploring grief and accepting the “brokenness” is a step that can lead to discovering how best to handle it.
Holding Grief Like Gold
Grief doesn’t disappear during the holidays. We might feel torn between wanting to hold it close and not wanting to bring others down. Kintsugi teaches us that the most beautiful things arise when we embrace what is broken. Grief, like gold, is precious. It is the evidence of deep love and connection, and it doesn’t need to be hidden.
This season, give yourself permission, and create the space to hold both joy and grief. Share stories about the person or activities you miss. Let memories be part of the gathering—a toast to honor the missing person, photographs of times past, a little bragging about your accomplishments before you move in a new direction, and always, some quiet moments of reflection. Simple acts of remembrance can fill the cracks left by loss and change transforming pain into something beautiful.
Practicing Kintsugi
How can we embody the principles of kintsugi during the holiday season, especially when grief is part of the picture? Here are a few ideas:
- Embrace the Flaws: Don’t strive for a picture-perfect holiday. Accept the moments of sadness or discomfort as natural parts of the season.
- Honor the Missing Pieces: Create space to remember and celebrate the loved ones who are no longer there. Share memories, light a candle, or set aside a moment to reflect.
- Hold Space for Others: Just as you feel the cracks of grief, others might too. Offer compassion and listen when someone shares their own feelings of loss. This shared humanity is what knits us together.
- Find Beauty in Togetherness: Even when the family feels incomplete, the moments you share—the laughter, tears, and quiet connections—are golden seams holding the family together. If you are spending the season alone, reach out to someone you care about and who cares about you.
The Golden Takeaway
The imperfections, misunderstandings, and even the cracks left by grief are not flaws to hide but opportunities to heal, remember, and grow closer.
Let’s approach this holiday season like a kintsugi artist: with care, patience, and a belief that every crack—even those left by loss—can be filled with gold. Remember that experiencing grief can be a powerfully unifying factor, and is something that all humans can share and understand.
Life Coaching for Grief, Loss, and Everything in Between
Need an ally in this work? I believe we can change our lives one day at a time. We’re not broken, and we don’t need fixing. We have everything within ourselves to create a life where we’re thriving, not just surviving – and a life we love. With the right tools, a few powerful questions, and the intention to create something authentic, we can get to where we want to be. We don’t even have to know what “our best life” looks like, just that we want to live it.
Not sure if Life Coaching is for you? Read Life Coaching testimonials from several of my new Grief and Loss Coaching clients here.
In my blog about Life Coaching vs. Therapy, I discussed the differences and reasons why you might want to hire me as your life coach.
Contact me for a complimentary, no-obligations life coaching phone consultation and we can work on making your life a more powerful, positive one together. Or use the Appointment Scheduler and pick a time that works for you. Although many look for a grief coach near me, I’ve found it makes the best use of everyone’s time to schedule appointments online and conduct them over the phone. This means I am a grief coach based in Washington, DC, and serving the world. I look forward to hearing from you.
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